Compo 1
“Hand over all your money!” The voice demanded threateningly. The voice sounded familiar. But who was it?
I hastened my pace through the deserted streets and hurried to see where the voice came from. To my profound horror, the voice came from Jamie, the head prefect! She was together with two boys. The taller boy had a pocked marked face which made him look intimidating; the other stocky boy had tattoos on his muscular arms and had beady eyes.
“Please don’t hurt me! I have no money at all!” a young and scrawny boy muttered fearfully.
Instantaneously, I recognized the voice. It was Luke’s voice, my dear brother! Should I save Luke? What if I get beaten instead? Flaming missiles of thought flooded my mind. I was in a dilemma.They cornered Luke and he was shaking with fear and terror. Luke was helpless. Truly helpless.
Mustering all my courage, I stormed towards them. “Stop hurting my brother!” I hollered. “Jamie, how could you being the head prefect, behave so atrociously?”
Jamie focused her attention on me, glaring at me with her penetrating eyeballs. That alone had made me scared stiff. My hands and legs were trembling with fear as I tried to regain my composure.
“You should know better the consequences of extorting money and bullying,” I retorted, trying to put on a tough look.
“You will never understand. I hate being a goodie goodie, the teachers’ pet. So what if I am the head prefect? So what!” Jamie exploded. “No one in my family ever cares! They think that I am just a puny, a miserable worm! My new gang are my true family!”
Jamie pointed at the two burly boys. One big tear rolled down her cheeks. For the first time, our eyes met eye to eye. The two boys were oblivious to their surrounding; they were yawning and digging their noses as they waited for Jamie’s order.
Coming quickly to her senses, Jamie beckoned for the two boys. “Now that Kelzin knows about this matter, we need to silent him! Get him!” Jamie hissed.
I wanted to run but my legs stood firmly to the ground. I was helpless! Without warning, they started raining blows on me. I pleaded for mercy but to no avail. When would the torture stop?
Not before long, my body was covered with bruises all over. My side ached and my chest throbbed with pain. I was weak. Powerless. “Please, don’t hurt my brother!” Luke pleaded pitifully, kneeling on the ground, grabbing Jamie’s leg.
“Step away, idiot!” Jamie snarled, pushing Luke unceremoniously to the ground.T
o my profound horror, Luke fell to the ground, hitting his head on a stone. Luke gave a shrill scream and collapsed to the ground. What had happened? Blood was oozing out from his head.I sprawled towards Luke. He was already unconscious.
“Please save him!” I wept. The two boys shrank in fear. Jamie was stuffing her knuckles against her mouth, trying to hold her screams. Blood drained from my face. My pulse raced. My eyes were clouded with fear. I felt helpless.
The two boys fled, stumbling in terror, not daring to look behind. They had left Jamie alone, stranded. I reached for my hand phone and punched in the numbers to call for the ambulance.
Jamie stood beside me, trembling at the brink of hysteria.Her hands turned cold and clammy. The ambulance came and brought Luke to the hospital. I was told later on that Luke suffered from brain concussion.
My mouth felt parched .My whole world seemed to have collapsed. My parents were devastated. As for Jamie, her name in school was tarnished and she was expelled from school. Now she was alone on her own. Helpless.
I hastened my pace through the deserted streets and hurried to see where the voice came from. To my profound horror, the voice came from Jamie, the head prefect! She was together with two boys. The taller boy had a pocked marked face which made him look intimidating; the other stocky boy had tattoos on his muscular arms and had beady eyes.
“Please don’t hurt me! I have no money at all!” a young and scrawny boy muttered fearfully.
Instantaneously, I recognized the voice. It was Luke’s voice, my dear brother! Should I save Luke? What if I get beaten instead? Flaming missiles of thought flooded my mind. I was in a dilemma.They cornered Luke and he was shaking with fear and terror. Luke was helpless. Truly helpless.
Mustering all my courage, I stormed towards them. “Stop hurting my brother!” I hollered. “Jamie, how could you being the head prefect, behave so atrociously?”
Jamie focused her attention on me, glaring at me with her penetrating eyeballs. That alone had made me scared stiff. My hands and legs were trembling with fear as I tried to regain my composure.
“You should know better the consequences of extorting money and bullying,” I retorted, trying to put on a tough look.
“You will never understand. I hate being a goodie goodie, the teachers’ pet. So what if I am the head prefect? So what!” Jamie exploded. “No one in my family ever cares! They think that I am just a puny, a miserable worm! My new gang are my true family!”
Jamie pointed at the two burly boys. One big tear rolled down her cheeks. For the first time, our eyes met eye to eye. The two boys were oblivious to their surrounding; they were yawning and digging their noses as they waited for Jamie’s order.
Coming quickly to her senses, Jamie beckoned for the two boys. “Now that Kelzin knows about this matter, we need to silent him! Get him!” Jamie hissed.
I wanted to run but my legs stood firmly to the ground. I was helpless! Without warning, they started raining blows on me. I pleaded for mercy but to no avail. When would the torture stop?
Not before long, my body was covered with bruises all over. My side ached and my chest throbbed with pain. I was weak. Powerless. “Please, don’t hurt my brother!” Luke pleaded pitifully, kneeling on the ground, grabbing Jamie’s leg.
“Step away, idiot!” Jamie snarled, pushing Luke unceremoniously to the ground.T
o my profound horror, Luke fell to the ground, hitting his head on a stone. Luke gave a shrill scream and collapsed to the ground. What had happened? Blood was oozing out from his head.I sprawled towards Luke. He was already unconscious.
“Please save him!” I wept. The two boys shrank in fear. Jamie was stuffing her knuckles against her mouth, trying to hold her screams. Blood drained from my face. My pulse raced. My eyes were clouded with fear. I felt helpless.
The two boys fled, stumbling in terror, not daring to look behind. They had left Jamie alone, stranded. I reached for my hand phone and punched in the numbers to call for the ambulance.
Jamie stood beside me, trembling at the brink of hysteria.Her hands turned cold and clammy. The ambulance came and brought Luke to the hospital. I was told later on that Luke suffered from brain concussion.
My mouth felt parched .My whole world seemed to have collapsed. My parents were devastated. As for Jamie, her name in school was tarnished and she was expelled from school. Now she was alone on her own. Helpless.
posted by Priscilla at
Thursday, September 18, 2008
2 Comments:
I like your story but I don't like your conclusion. Doesn't seem to have a proper closure to Jamie's fate.
a) Now she was alone on her own. Helpless.
What do you mean by this? Doesn't make sense.
b) Who called the ambulance?
Fix those links and your story will be great.
Edit and I will grade after.
Great plot! :D
Good phrases and words used. The dialogue tags are good.
You repeated the phrase "To my profound horror". Maybe you should use it once so that the marker will not think that you have lack of phrases to use. Perhaps can change profound to utmost.
Haha. Overall, good story. :D
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